High on Happiness

Posts Tagged ‘Happiness is’

The creek was beautiful, its still waters mirroring the bare branches rising above it and the mounds of snow heaped in graceful rounds on its banks.

February was a month of record snowfall here.  And like my neighbors, I’m eager for the return of spring.  But as I turned away from the water, the stark beauty of the bare trees against the snowy hill took my breath away and I felt a surprising little wave of sadness wash through me at the realization that soon it would be gone.

I stood for a long moment in the silence of the woods.  It seemed as if the whole world was holding its breath so as not to disturb this instant of beauty.

And yet, beneath it ran a strong sense of coming change.  This poised moment was balancing on the very brink of the coming season.  Beneath these snows, behind the trees’ bark, powerful miracles were at work.  This was the moment right before waking.  Winter’s dream would soon give way to a burgeoning of new life.  How beautiful the anticipation of it!  How beautiful the present moment, holding both the fullness of winter and the promise of spring so equally in its arms.

For the past ten days, I’ve been sharing some of the ways that our best friends teach us how to treat ourselves.  Today, I want to wrap up this little series by talking about the last two points in the list—that  best friends listen to us and really hear what we’re saying, and that best friends care.

It’s the caring part that counts the most.  We all need to feel that we matter, that our lives mean something to someone, that someone loves us, someone cares.   To be your own best friend means, in essence, that you learn to care about you.

Genuine self-love isn’t egotism.  It doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anyone else or everyone else.  It means you value and respect yourself, and that even if you have no idea why your being is significant, you trust that there is a larger meaning to your existence.  Loving yourself is honoring life.

The wisdom teachings say that the highest commandment is to love our God, whatever we conceive God to be, with all our hearts and minds, and to love our neighbors as ourselves.   Only when we allow ourselves to open to loving ourselves as valuable and worthwhile beings can we love, honor and respect our neighbors in the ways that will bring true joy, harmony and peace to our world.

One of the keys to practicing love toward ourselves is to develop the habit of listening to ourselves and really hearing what’s going on with us.

On a physical level, that means paying attention to our body’s needs.  It means feeding ourselves wholesome foods in appropriate amounts and eating mindfully.  It means allowing ourselves to sleep a sufficient number of hours each night and to cultivate relaxation and meditation techniques that can help us deal with the stresses we confront in the course of living.

On the emotional level, self-caring means learning mood-management techniques, such as positive self-talk and releasing skills.  It means cultivating our inner observer and listening to the kinds of stories we’re telling ourselves so we can make needed corrections and change tracks.  It means educating ourselves about the way the mind works and practicing the skills of positive psychology.

Spiritually, self-care means taking time to connect with the Source of our being, with our higher selves.  It means we find time to meditate, contemplate, worship, pray, commune with nature, immerse ourselves in inspiration from whatever sources provide us a sense of truth, beauty, goodness and higher meaning.

The essence of self-care is to ask yourself what brings you genuine joy, vitality and satisfaction, and then to do more of that.  Learn to be happy.  Follow your bliss.  That’s the way you show that you care.  That’s the call, and the response, of love.

My friend was telling me about his new clients and all the new work that was coming his way.  Given that he lives in one of the regions of the country hardest hit by the current economic downturn, his tale was a story of remarkable success.  As he shared how his business was unfolding, I began to notice a theme running through everything he said.  And that thread is the secret behind his success.

He talked, you see, about each client’s special strengths and talents.  He saw what was unique and good in each and he was thrilled at having the opportunity to help all of them showcase what they did best.

It’s this positive viewpoint of his that draws clients to him.  He sees the best in them, and they, in turn, see him the same way.  Seeing the best in them motivates him to serve them well.  The good service they receive motivates them to see him as the top notch performer he is and to spread the word.  It’s a beautiful feedback loop of positive regard.

For me, my friend’s conversation was a perfect illustration of the seventh lesson we can learn from our best friends about how to treat ourselves.  True friends—and this man quickly becomes a genuine friend to his clients—speak well of us to others.  They broadcast the positive things about us; they see what’s good and beautiful in us, and enjoying it, they share it with others.

If you’re going to be your own best friend, learning to sing your own praises to yourself is a definite requirement.  You owe it to yourself to pat yourself on the back for the things you do well, to congratulate yourself for your achievements, to recognize and acknowledge where you are succeeding, where you are growing, where you are following your higher impulses and intuitions and moving toward your goals.

Not only does it feel good, but it reinforces all the behaviors you most enjoy and that keep you thriving and bring you joy.  People who succeed in life, and who pull from it the greatest measure of happiness, take stock of their positive achievements on a regular basis.  They appreciate themselves and thank and reward themselves.  Speak well of yourself to you.  It’s another way of being your own best friend.

“I got your back,” he says when he sees trouble coming.  He’s there to defend you against attack, no questions asked.  He doesn’t even need to know where it came from.  He’s on your side.  That’s a stand up friend.

They come in the feminine gender, too, like mother lions on full alert.

It’s the ferocious side of friendship, ready to battle for your integrity and honor against anything that would tear you down.  It knows your worth.  It values your being.  It’s proud to stand at your side.

Internalized, this is the friend who disputes the derogatory things you say to yourself.  It raises its sword against Worthless and No Good.  It hauls out the fire hose and blasts at the mud you would hurl at yourself.  Its mane stands up when it hears Always and Never, knowing how false and ruinous they can be.  It hates Can’t and What’s the Use. It refuses to hear from Shame.

Be as ferocious in your love for this side of yourself as it is for you.  Treat it to feasts when it pulls you from the pits.  Give it high fives when the sun shines.

If you haven’t heard the voice of this friend in awhile, it doesn’t mean he’s not there.  It means you have tuned him out, preferring the sound of your pain.  He’s always there.  Always. Call yourself a name and look around.  You’ll see him glaring in the corner.  He’ll grin when he sees you have spotted him.  Buy him a root beer.  Welcome him back.

When the situations of the day beat you up, dash your hopes, and stomp all over your finest expectations, here comes your friend, grin in hand, to dust you off and set you on your feet again.  Don’t you just love it?

One of the most beautiful things that best friends do for us is to encourage us when we’re down.  They meet us with their bag of tricks and keep pulling them out until they find the one that does the magic.

They sit and commiserate; they empathize and sympathize and cajole and rail.  They get right down there in the emotional stew with us and let us know we’re not alone and that yeah, we’re right to feel exactly what we feel.  They say, “Hey, we’re just humans, you know?  We’re the ones with the whole shebang inside us—the glory and the crap, remember?  And sometimes the crap plays top dog.”

And then, when we’re all comforted by being seen and heard and knowing we’re not alone, they start sneaking in their little pieces of uplift, building on our glimmers that we’re still okay, regardless.  They start pumping up our resilience.  They blow in some fresh wind, clear the skies.  They point at the stars and get us dreaming about reaching for them again and remind us that, yeah, we’re big enough to stretch that far.  They talk about keepin’ on keepin’ on.

They distract us and then, if we start sliding back into the muck, they haul out their dispute tools and get us to question our doubts.  Gosh, they’re good.

If you have a friend who lifts you when you’re down, next time, watch him or her at work.  Copy the technique.  If you don’t have one, make one up.  Keep him in your pocket.  Pull him out and set him on the chair beside you when you need him.  There’s nothing like it.

Best friends tell us the truth about ourselves.  Whether it’s as simple as saying that the blue looks better on us than the gold or as tough as confronting us with the news that we’re wallowing in stinking thinking, best friends level with us.  They hold up mirrors for us so we can see ourselves more accurately and make better decisions in our lives.  They provide us with reality checks.

Sometimes their honesty shines on our strengths, beaming its appreciation for our accomplishments, applauding the things we do well.  It keeps us from taking our gifts for granted and helps us stay on the best tracks.

Sometimes their honesty is a light-hearted jab.  “Put on a few extra pounds there, didn’t you?  Want to go for a run?”

And when we really need it, they can deliver the kind of tough-love truths that shock us right into reality, instantly wiping away all the phony stories we were telling ourselves about being helpless victims or poor powerless saps.

What they bring to the table is unconditional love.  They don’t judge our worth; that’s already beyond question.  They just look and tell us what they see, trusting that we will do with the information whatever we think is in our best interest.

If we want to be our own best truth-telling friends, that’s the perfect viewpoint to adopt.  Grounded in the assurance of our essential worth, we need to be loving and observant and then honestly report to ourselves what we see.

Where are we feeling tension, or stress, or pain?  What stories are we running from the dead past, and how are they coloring our perceptions?  What desires and possibilities are calling us that we have been ignoring?  What needs have we been neglecting?  What obstacles have we allowed to block our forward motion?  Where are we in harmony and at ease?  What’s providing us with joy and satisfaction?

When we look honestly at our lives, as if through the eyes of a truly loving friend, we give ourselves the gifts of broader, more informed choices, and of enhanced awareness of our own multi-dimensionality.  And our lives take on renewed richness, depth and joy.

When I say that a best friend truly understands you, what do you suppose I really mean?  Does understanding mean that your friend will sympathize with your hurts?  Comfort and console you when you are disappointed?  Stand on your side when you have been unjustly judged?  Absolutely.

But it goes farther than that.  It also means your friend understands that you don’t need to wallow in your hurt and disappointment or to carry a grudge. A true friend will remind you of your healing capacity, of the temporary nature of a wound, of your essential dignity and your ability to transcend misfortune, to reestablish your boundaries, to champion own your rights.

Do you need a meal?  Some exercise?  A change of scenery?  A nap?  A true friend sees your real needs and shows them to you.

A true friend helps you rediscover your perspective when you lose your balance.  Maybe you need a reminder that you’re not a loser just because you make mistakes, that errors are for learning, not for self-blame.  Maybe you need to see that the good in your life is far more abundant than today’s misfortune.  Maybe you didn’t see that someone’s remark or action wasn’t intended as an attack but was no more an indication of his or her mood.

Best friends can do this because they pay attention to you.  They notice what’s going on with you, and when you need it they address your needs with respect, belief in you, and positive regard.  And that’s exactly the vantage point that helps the most, and the one from which we can most benefit as we practice being our own best friends.

Happiness is far more than laughter and delight, although it sparkles in them.  Its textures are as complex and varied as the bark of an aged tree.

It can feel as soft as comfort, as smooth as satisfaction, as rugged as resilience, as crisp as success.

Happiness can be the velvet of pleasure or the silk of savoring.

Meeting challenge, it finds its grit.  When faced with seeming defeat, it finds its resolve.  At the heights, it exalts in ecstacy.  At its core, it revels in love.

Happiness feels like passion and like contentment, like gratitude and peace and kindness and joy.

Feel it.  Sense it.  Celebrate it.  Luxuriate in it, in all of its varieties, and let its beauty give depth to your life.

When I woke from sleep this morning, happiness spread itself across my mind.  Before I opened my eyes, before a single thought voiced itself, happiness was bathing me in its gentle light.  I felt my face ease into a smile just as my waking consciousness felt compelled to label what I was experiencing.  “Happiness!” it said, and my smile pushed into a grin.  “Happiness, for no reason at all.”

It’s really as simple as that, I thought.  You don’t need a why at all.  Because, in the end, happiness is causeless.  It’s not a result of something that happens to you.  It’s something that fills everything that is.

It’s not something we make happen, or that somebody else creates for us, or that comes because we’re in beneficial circumstances, or the recipients of good fortune.  Happiness is always already there.  Inside us, all around us, inside and between everything that is.

The reason we sometimes don’t know it is because we complicate things with whole lifetimes of concepts and beliefs about things we think we need to have in order to have happiness.  We go around thinking we have to be richer or thinner or smarter or more handsome, that we need more connections or money or power in order to be happy.  We think we’re kept from happiness by our pasts, or by the jobs we stuck in, or by our lack of a job, or by our mates or the lack of a mate.  But all those things are nothing more than ideas that blind us to the fact that we’re not separated from happiness by anything at all.

What do you believe you need in order to be happy?  And what would happen if you decided not to believe that?  What if you decided just to sink into happiness no matter what?   How would it feel?  How would you act?  Can you imagine?  Can you pretend?

And what if you practiced acting happy?  What if you intentionally put on a smile?  What if you practiced happy acts like gratitude and kindness and forgiving?

What if you looked for goodness in the people and events around you?  What if you noticed beauty?

What if you let yourself sink into happiness, for no reason at all?